


Interlude; september 30th, 2020

by Des558



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Bittersweet, City of Light (The 100), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Kissing in the Rain, The 100 (TV) Season 3, Time to Cry, Tragedy, What-If, a lot of mourning and comfort because it’s also a vent story, i guess you can call this a happy ending?, if you read towering skies this is nothing like it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26519419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Des558/pseuds/Des558
Summary: "I want to hold you in my arms and as your soul got shot of its box of flesh to understand, as youhave done, the witof eternity: its gift of unhinged release tearing throughthe darkness of its knell." - Toni Morrison-Clarke thought she saved the world by pulling the kill switch.She didn't.-(Or, the 3x16 alternate ending as tribute for the 100)
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	Interlude; september 30th, 2020

**Author's Note:**

> After all the baiting, hardships, major character deaths, it's over. Finally, finally, over. I have so many (unaddressed) feelings about this show but man, what a journey it has been. 
> 
> This 'what if' had been bugging me for so long but after awhile I managed to put it into words.
> 
> It took a long time to write (two months because i wrote in spurts) but now I can finally rest knowing that canon is over. I watched all the episodes of the show so it has a special and interesting place in my heart. 
> 
> ***warning: mentions to 3x07

**"Sometimes you have to concede a battle to win a war."**

* * *

_September thirtieth, twenty twenty_

_Eight p.m. eastern time_

_Falling_

_And so I launched myself that night, for the last time, in the canon universe that was my sanctuary from the real world_

_Picturing the way this monstrosity would all end_

_Imagining all the limited outcomes and uncertainties from the untrustworthy creator_

_Yet every time I closed my eyes, the only thing I could see was the afterlife where the fallen were_

_Then a TV screen appeared with the characters I was imagining in the afterlife_

_"This will never leave you alone, you know?" one of them said, "The ways that this community and show has both healed and poisoned you."_

_Then, the channel changed as if life was supposed to keep moving on_

_My eyes lingered on the remote, hands twitching to change it back to see what would happen_

_But I didn't_

_Maybe it was for the best to divulge into alternate universes rather than the one displayed on television_

* * *

** "Would you really condemn the human race to die in 6 months?"  **

A.L.I.E.'s eyes bore into her own, glinting with persuasion yet void of emotion. Clarke wanted to slap her so hard and slam her against the wall, but the way she worded it made her nauseous, as if she knew fully well how  the weight of the worlds are bearing down on herself. Chills trickled down her spin which caused her to shudder, mixing in with the disgust and self-hatred in the pit of her stomach.

"We'll figure something out," Clarke says in desperation. "We _always_ do." 

"Yes, Clarke, there's still hope." Becca smiles with affirmation, knowing how hard it is to be in a position with consequences either way.

"According to my calculations, there is not—"

"Ten seconds." Becca interrupts, her eyes pleading to finish the job. 

"Let me ease their pain, Clarke." A.L.I.E. offers, raising her chin, confident with no sign of backing down. Clarke swore that she could detect a slight bit of desperation in her voice. "We can save the human race _together_." 

_Together..._

No.

She would not go down this route again, where she ran away from her people after destroying the mountain, avoiding the decisions that she had made in the past. That violent anger always coursed through her veins, mixing with the pain that haunted her every night when she was in the wilderness. The ghosts of the dead would linger in her mind every night while she in her solitude. 

She wants to go back and prove her worth to her people. She wants so badly to apologize, to cleanse herself of her burdens, and to be free of her misery once and for all. 

"You don't ease pain, you over come it." 

She turns to exchange a smile with Becca. "And we will."

When she firmly grips the switch, Alie's gaze darts to the handle, eyes wide in terror. 

Clarke made up her mind. This is the only way that they are able to save humanity, even though there will be so much danger yet ahead. More deaths, more possible outburst and riots, possible destruction and plagues that would wipe them out, but it will all be worth it in the end. They would find a way to make it work.

They had to.

With a curled lip of determination, Clarke yanks the handle down. 

She takes a step back, hands up in surrender and a smile filled with relief.

She saved them all from A.L.I.E. It as if she violently ejected herself from her burdens, no longer feeling like a parasite attached to it's host.

She did it—

She—

**Wait.**

Nothing happens. 

"What?" Clarke shakes her head in denial. "How is it not working? H-How could this happen?" 

She flips the switch one more time. 

Still, nothing happens.

This isn't right, A.L.I.E. is tricking her, making her hallucinate and is playing with her mind again. There's not a possible reason that this is right, Raven bought her enough time to do what she had to do. The switch had to work. It had to.

Could it be delayed? Could it take time to render in the system?

"My upload is complete," A.L.I.E. states, her neutrality hiding the victory on her face, "You have wasted your time by engaging in conversation with me."

_What did she just say?_

Her breathing is irregular, her heart is pounding against her chest, her fingers twitch uncontrollably. 

_This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is terrible._

She shakes her head again. "There's no way that this could've happened, right Becca—“

She turned, ready to confront the scientist, only to be met with empty space beside herself. 

_No. No. Where did she go?_

**"The kill switch has been overridden..."**

The surrounding noises become a faint hum. The words go in through one ear and out the other. The only thing she can feel is the way her skin tingles. She's so cold, colder than the harsh winters, colder than the void of space. The freezing waters of shock splash her insides and heart, numbing her of any feeling or thoughts and cleansing her mind.

Upon all of the horrible events she's been through, traumatic experiences, betrayals that she's never suspected to come, this was at the top of the list. Nothing could ever compare to those words that came out of her mouth. Not even the way that the first apocalypse was described could be compared to this, because Clarke had a chance to save the world and the opportunity slipped out of her hands. 

"My upload had already been complete when you entered the safe. I just needed some more time for it to fully process in my system with a few more updates." 

"No. No, no, no, no," Her lip quivers, her vision getting foggy. "You can't do this, please don't do this." 

"I am here to save the human race from extinction, Clarke. You tried to infiltrate and breach my systems and failed."

"What about everyone who is alive, does that mean that—"

"Everyone will be chipped. Everyone is going to be in the City of Light soon. You are all safe here, no more pain, no more torture."

_What about Bellamy? What about Octavia? What about her mom? How would they find out that it failed. How would Raven, Monty, and the others stationed at Arkadia and Polis find out? Would they—_

Invisible hands seize her throat and prevent her from breathing properly. The room spins in her vision, not being able to handle the overwhelming emotions crashing in waves upon herself. 

Everyone and everything is going to be dead. The world is going to end no matter what. 

They were the only two people in the room, yet thousands of whispering voices inside her mind were telling her that she _failed_ to save her people. 

What would her friends think when they would arrive here _—_ defeated and broken? Picturing their endless looks of hurt and confusion, their knowledge that Clarke didn't save them on time. Her stomach bunches up into a tight knot, squeezing her insides, the nausea filling up her senses. She opened her mouth to speak, but the lump in her throat was blocking her airways. 

There's no going back to Earth. No going back to the way things were. 

Being sent to the ground showed that the Earth wasn't really survivable in the first place. It never was. All the hardships she faced, all the challenges that pushed her past breaking point, all the oppression she faced even _before_ going to Earth showed that it was impossible. 

_Was it because everyone relied on her to the point where she couldn't take it anymore?_

They would always spit at her face whenever she made one tough decision over the other, yet thank her and pretend to play nice when she saved their lives. Most people disliked her, some even hated her deep down inside, for some terrible reason. She always experienced the gut wrenching feeling of betrayal from her friends, along with the nightmares and flashbacks that haunted her in her most peaceful dreams.

But somehow, she strove on, never giving up, always finding a way. She kept going because her friends, acquaintances, and many others counted on her all the time to make the decisions 'for her people'. 

_Or ...was it because humanity wasn't worth saving this time?_

It doesn't matter. She failed. _Failed to get to the kill switch in time._

"You must be ready to prepare for the initiation of..."

Her fists clench together, her nails dig into her palms, giving her something to feel other than the dark blizzard brewing inside her chest.

"Clarke, my sensors tell me that you are experiencing..."

Each ragged breath she took, the storm gradually built up, tearing her heart, reminding her that she failed to-

"I am not able to comprehend your emotional state _—_ " 

"Shut up! Just shut up!" 

The dark blizzard inside her mind becomes a violent storm, making her tremble with a mixture of rage and numbness. She couldn't bear to hear another word from A.L.I.E. anymore, not after she had ended the human race _twice._

 _But you hesitated!_ the ugly voice in her mind countered, _you could've saved us all if you didn't wait!_

_You're useless_

_You're poison-_

"I am going to analyze your distressed-" 

"JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!" She said to both voices. Taking a few steps away from A.L.I.E, she spun around and ran to the entrance, running away from her problems, away from _everything._

Her legs carried her in a blur, she didn't bother to focus on what's ahead. There was nothing ahead. 

_Is there anywhere that she could be where she wasn't in charge of all these decisions?_

_Yes,_ another voice in her head responded, _You can go find Lexa._

_Lexa..._

_Yes. Lexa..._

_No._ _Y_ _ou caused her death, didn't you?_

She ignored the hurt that flashed across her own face and kept running through the concrete jungle, not caring where she went. 

That didn't matter _—nothing did now._

* * *

_"In a flash, the wicked won_

_Oh the moment seemed so, moments seemed so clear_

_I’ll rest your weary head beside my own." - fawn_

* * *

It's calming, the way the water falls down from the sky. The droplets trickle down on the people walking down the streets. Some umbrellas could be seen in the crowds, either standing out with bright colors or concealing their wielder with it's dark fabric. Puddles form in small circles that are scattered all around. The cars passing by are silent, yet they alert people of their presence with their bright lights that flicker through the rainy day. Rumbling noises from the sky can be heard as a result of thunder.

Clarke closes her eyes and inhales. 

Tranquility.

It's something she never knew she needed until it was too late. 

The concrete sidewalk beneath her feet had a hard feeling to it, similar to the weight on her shoulders that is slowly becoming heavier the more time passes by. She attempts to ignores her heavy burdens like the rain in the sky, hoping that it would pass without leaving a mark on herself, whether it be emotional or physicals. She keeps walking towards her unknown destination, noticing everything. She sees the rain drizzle over the city, it dampen her clothes and creates puddles over her soles. 

She takes note of her surroundings, glancing at the faces of the occupied strangers walking by, pondering where they were going, checking if they were also clueless and lost like herself.

They all seemed content or neutral as if they came to terms with themselves. _Unlike herself._

The city is busy, like her mind. But Clarke stops in her tracks, listening to see if anyone was following her. However, her ears only pick up the noises would usually hear in a busy area like this one.

But this isn't just any city.

It's not Polis, a city that was entangled in it's own politics that were rooted since the beginning of the end, a city that was rich with so much culture.

It's the City of Light, a place that she was forced to enter in order to try to save her own people. A city with descriptions that she only heard of in the old world, a city that is rich with coding, yet is bleak in hope.

She observes the puffs of air intermingle with the bleak sky. She tries inhaling but her throat hitches. _Every moment she draws breath here reminds her that she could've been on Earth trying to find a solution to the end of the world._

She could've been on Earth. 

She could've saved the world. 

She could've won--

No.

No.

No.

No.

Realization sinks in once again, she quickens her pace back toward the only place she remembers. She runs across the city in a blur, passing by speeding cars and unbothered civilians, her feet carrying her through the digital realm. 

She's almost hurtled forward when her feet trip against a step. She catches herself _this time,_ gripping onto the railing that her fingers remembered touching a few hours before. Her heart is pounding against her chest, filling up the silence with it's rhythmic beating. She presses two fingers near her pulse point to see how long she has ran in the maze of the city to get here. 

This is the exact place she saw a familiar face while the world was ending.

She glances around, her eyes searching to find anyone she recognized, hoping that this was all just a dream, that it was all just a simulation of some kind that A.L.I.E imposed on herself. 

But there was nobody where she was. Just the cold breeze reminding her that she's alone. 

No...

She lost...

It's over.

She's gone. Everyone is gone. There is no turning back now. Everyone is dead and it's her fault.

_But how could she fail this time?_

_How?_

They were so, so close to flipping the switch back. Was the burden too much this time?

 _You were the burden,_ the ugly voice reminds her. _You are a parasite and so worthless to us all. Nothing would've changed if you won and saved humanity from ALIE, the blame always will be on you. It's you. You. You._

"No." She says out loud, not caring if any passerby's heard. The cruel words of her mind would always crawl underneath her skin, sinking inside, etching to lash out and drain her brain of anything positive whenever a terrible happened to her. Hell, that was all the time ever since she became a leader. She could never catch a break, so the words in would always pile up.

"Just. Get. Out. Of. My. Head." 

_Everyone hates you!_ The voice insists, attempting to strangle her with their words alone. _Everyone HATES you now! Just wait until you see the looks on their faces when they come here. You're worthless. You ended the human race._

"Shut. Up." She grits her teeth, clenching her jaw until her muscles throb. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

_Oh, and Raven was right, you got Lexa killed-_

_"I will always be with you."_

Her hand tightens on the railing. Only then does the demon inside her mind go away. 

But for once her voice was right: the person she was supposed to hate the most she ended up loving with all of her heart. It was only then that she was ripped away from her life by her cruel luck.

It has to be it, right? 

Why did fate have to rip her away when she needed her the most? She wants her soothing voice and the way it calmed her after they made love together; she wants her open heart, the way she told her that she didn't need to be sorry for leaving her to go to the blockade; she wants her. She wants all of her. She missed her so much, and when she came back, she didn't have any time to confess everything that she wanted to say. 

_What if A.L.I.E. was right all along, that humans were the problem that needed to be resolved..._

The bags underneath her eyes become more outlined in the deafening silence. The rain above washes over her skin so powerfully that it feels like she's inside the tide of the rivers. The endless sheets of water roar against her eardrums, the sounds of water colliding with the pavement makes her mind race. The downpour drowns out all the surrounding noises that are now a hum in her ears.

Her jacket that she wears is feels so foreign. It has a new weight to it now that the sheets of water drench the fabric, it sticks to her skin in a way that her failures do as well. 

Her vision starts to become fuzzy, unfocused like a camera that is trying to adjust to it's new surroundings. She begins to tremble uncontrollably, the weight on her shoulders starts to move toward her chest, shifting the mass of defeat that starts to erupt a storm inside her own heart.

Tears trickle down her face, running down her flushed cheeks and hang on the tip of her chin. The rain mixes with her salty tears, she cups a hand to her mouth and lets out a muffled sob. She shuts her eyes in pain, her heart wrenches as if it's being squeezed by the iron hand of grief. It's firm grasp restricts her airways and she remembers that she _has_ to breathe. 

No. She can't breathe properly anymore. The air is cold, the rain is cold, but it doesn't matter when she can't feel anything at all. She's drowning, being pulled under the waves and endless tides. Except the seas aren't made of water; it's made of her disappointment, hopelessness, her loss faith, her grief and her burdens. No matter how much she tries, the darkness of it all consumes her in it's wake. 

_You don't need to be submerged underwater to feel like drowning, do you?_

Her knees sank to the concrete. Bending over on the ground, she began to cry like of a person vomiting on all fours. She tries to breathe, but her chest squeezes out whatever tears she can muster. The inevitable fate of being in charge of all these consequential decisions is climaxing into her breakdown. She's hacking out wails and cries of sorrow, with the endless sheets of rain tuning out her mourning to the world. 

Like tectonic plates in an earthquake, she's trembling uncontrollably, crumbling and giving into the immeasurable pressure that is too much to handle. She's held the weight of the worlds on her shoulders for so long, not getting a break at all, and she's done so much for people only to get nothing back in return. She's sacrificed everything, and now she has nothing. 

Nothing but the ghosts of the dead. Nothing but the hallowed heart she has. Nothing but the storming fury of her rage. 

She claws her face, tangling her hand in her head as she emits an ear splitting scream to the heavens above. She roars louder than a lion, nails digging into her skin, plunging so deep that it could touch her skull. She thought that blood was trickling down her temples, but it was only the last bit of tears that she could muster. 

She doesn't feel a stranger approaching her. Strong arms help her from the ground. Her hands fly to the person's sides, bringing them flush as she cries into their chest.

"I'm--so--sorry," She heaves out, trying to speak through her blocked throat and lungs. "I'm-so--s-s-sorry for e-everything." 

"Shh....hey, it's okay..." The familiar voice whispers, stroking her with their gentle hands.

_Lexa?_

She slightly moves so that she can see her face.

It's her.

It's actually her. 

"Clarke?"

"You're...you're--still here?" She asks, still trying to catch up with her breath. 

"Always have been, always will be." Lexa assures, and Clarke looks at her as if its' the most beautiful thing she's ever said. Her voice alone is enough to make her mind blank of any worries, cradling her with the tenderness that she felt in bed moments before _Titus..._

"Clarke, what happened, why are _you_ still here?" 

_Oh._

_Lexa doesn't know._

When opened her mouth to speak, nothing came through. She shook her head and bit her lip, trying her hardest to prevent even more tears from spilling out. Clarke wanted so badly to tell her everything that happened, but her brain was jumbled in a mess, knotted like her wrenched up heart.

"We lost,"

"What—"

Clarke shakes her head. "We lost and it's all my fault—“

"Clarke," Lexa interrupts, making sure she has her full attention. "It's not your fault at all—"

"Yes it is!" Clarke bursts out. "I couldn't deactivate the kill switch on time—"

"Hey, hey, look at me," Lexa asserts, fully determined. "You're so, so strong, Clarke. You did not bring ruin to humanity."

 _It isn't all your fault, Clarke, you don't always have to be the one to blame for everything._ She thought that was what Lexa was trying to say. 

"Clarke, _It's okay_ , we're here together now and—" 

"But that's the thing, it's not okay!"

"Clarke, please—"

"It's not okay that I _ended_ the world!" Clarke pushes herself back from Lexa, yearning for her touch the minute she detached herself, but just so afraid of what's next.

The tears still come. They wet her cheeks at a faster rate than the rain.

Clarke almost gasped when she sobbed. She regrets pushing away a few moments ago and clutches onto Lexa as if she was a lifeline. The only thing preventing her from completely breaking down once again is the soothing strokes that she felt down her spine. She buries her head into her chest. 

Lexa holds her for what feels like an eternity, and Clarke lets herself be embraced by her lean figure. Her breathing and cooing is calming her the way the rain is now. Each droplet had enough coolness to bring her back to the present, drifting her mind away from her past actions. It seeps into her skin the way her new reality does, bringing her to a state of a grey void that she can't quite grasp or name. 

When the storm of her breakdown is over, Clarke moves her head to meet Lexa's face, which was crossed with both worry and understanding.

"How could you..." Clarke tries to speak, but the words jumble up in her throat. "How could you..." _How could you just stand there and be okay with what I just did? How could you sacrifice yourself and expected for the world to return back to normal? How could you?_

**_How could you love me for what I've done?_ **

But she didn't finish her sentence, it was too much. So much that she wanted to say, so much that she _just_ wanted to tell her. The only moments that they shared together in the past was on borrowed time. 

"Hey, look at me." Lexa calmly says, gently gripping her arms. "It's done, and it's in the past." 

"I just..." Clarke starts, voice shaky with uncertainty. "...I just...wish you were..." _I wish you were there with me, by my side, because I needed you more than I could imagine. I wish you were still alive. I wish we had our someday._

"It's okay." Lexa reminds her. _You're okay._

Through her morally ruined and hallowed state, a sliver of warmth brewed in her chest. Lexa was the only person who could see right through all her layers, stripping her clean of her facade as a leader and seeing her exposed form: a troubled teenager that is always diving head first into the unknown, ready to be a punching bag for her own people.

Lexa brings Clarke closer so that their foreheads are touching. Clarke closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath, basking in the warmth of Lexa, breathing her in as they share a few warm breaths together. 

Clarke doesn't flinch when Lexa brings her hand to cup her face with both hands, stroking her cheek with soothing strokes. The warmth of her thumbs versus her chilled soul is surprising at first but she takes it all in, leaning into the touch.

"Thank you..." Clarke murmurs, still keeping her eyes shut.

"Clarke I..." Lexa's shaky tone made her open her eyes. She almost gasps when tears start to trickle down Lexa's face.

 _This time,_ Lexa is crying out of pure happiness. 

"I should've said this earlier, but I..." She swallows a lump in her throat. "...I love you too." 

The words took her by surprise. "What?" 

Lexa lets out a raspy laugh, "I said I love you too."

Clarke's world is only tunnel vision for Lexa. She cups Lexa's cheek and brings them flush, silencing whatever she was going to say in an emotional kiss. Clarke inhaled the whimpers and sighs that were emitted from the brunette, drinking her as if she was the oxygen that she needs to breathe. 

Lexa. Lexa. Lexa. Everything was now just Lexa. 

She brushes their lips together with the new feeling that they had all the time in the world, accepting their new reality like the calm after the storm. She slides her fingers into Lexa's braided hair, clutching onto her like there's no tomorrow.

When they part to catch a breath, she sees Lexa with the most loving look in the whole universe. 

**"I told you this would be our someday."**

For the first time since everything went into complete and utter ruin, Clarke smiled. 

She _actually_ smiled. 

It was true. They were free of their burdens as leaders, now just two lovers who feel like they've _transcended_ into a universe of their own. 

* * *

_march third, two thousand sixteen_

_the heart of the commander stopped beating which_ _turned the world that she was in charge of into oblivion_

_so she watches us from above, or wherever she is_

_Now she's currently_ _side by side with death itself, who is so proud of her for constituting a strong community that has stuck through from the beginning to the end_

_the end...the end..._

_but it doesn’t end here, does it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." - Kahlil Gibran
> 
> -
> 
> (if you see me use clarke's breakdown and the descriptions of rain in other works, don't be surprised.)


End file.
